


I'm going under.

by FireAngel5683



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 05:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21368665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireAngel5683/pseuds/FireAngel5683
Summary: There’s this moment when you’re drowning, your lungs burning from the lack of oxygen and your muscles aching at the strain of fighting against the currents. Trying your best to reach the top where you will finally be able to breathe with everything inside of you screaming not to inhale, to not let the water flow into your lungs but despite your every effort a part of you can’t fight instinct and you take a breath. The water rushes into your lungs burning them and no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to stop yourself from breathing but no matter how hard you try nothing you do matters, not anymore. In those final moments, you close your eyes and let the darkness consume you.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle & Robert Sugden, Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden, Jack Sugden/Robert Sugden, Robert Sugden & Chrissie White, Robert Sugden & Sarah Sugden, Robert Sugden/Chrissie White, Robert Sugden/Sarah Sugden
Kudos: 9





	I'm going under.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm uploading all of the mini-fics and headcanons that I've posted up on Tumblr under the username @robertandaaron-robron  
Original AN:  
This was originally meant to be my Big Bang but I lost inspiration so I’m hoping that by posting this I might be inspired to keep writing the rest of it. I honestly have edited and changed this so many time but I still hate it, the only part I actually like is the stuff in italics which was the original inspiration behind this whole story. [which I made the summary of the story. I still haven't gotten around to finishing this]

“Rob, honey open your eyes” a voice calls out, but not any voice. He recognizes it, but it couldn’t be, not her, she had died so long ago and despite how much he missed her it couldn’t be possible. She had died in the fire, the result of a foolish action by Andy in an attempt to save their father from losing everything that mattered to him.

A delicate hand pushed his hair back from his forehead before speaking again “It’s me, Rob, it’s mum and I need you to open your eyes. You’ve done something so foolish and we need to make it right”. It still wasn’t possible, despite how much every single part of him wished that it was, she was long gone, buried in a cemetery in Emmerdale that he hadn’t visited in ages. Too afraid to show his face in that village ever again and be reminded of just how big of a failure he was. Nothing to his name, just a lonely lost boy, worthless. Despite the fact that Jack was dead he couldn’t help but feel inadequate. Always the disappointment, second best to everyone didn’t matter that he was Jack’s actual son. Just because he wanted to do more with his life than to be a farmer he was the failure of a son.

“I know that you’ve been going through a rough time sweetie but you need to open your eyes. There’s so much more you’re going to experience so many things you’ll miss out on if you don’t open your eyes. Just please open your eyes, Rob, it’ll all be okay, I promise” and despite every part of him telling him that it couldn’t be real he couldn’t help the hope the flared up inside of his chest and when he opened his eyes he saw her face.

Despite knowing that this in no way was possible, he felt like he was safe. Sarah, his mum, had always understood him. She had always been able to see the real him and despite all of his many flaws accepted him and loved him. Since her death he had had no one on his side, Jack always preferring to side with Andy than with Robert the constant disappointment. He remembers when Sarah had decided that she’d had enough and moved to France with Victoria. More than anything he had wanted to leave with her and start over, but Jack wouldn’t allow it. Said something about how she wasn’t his real mum and had no right to take him. It wasn’t even like Jack wanted to keep him, no he just couldn’t let Sarah take him.

He often wondered what life would have been like for him, if he’d had the courage and run away from Jack to France, to Sarah. In his dreams, he always knocks on her door and when she opens it a look of shock graces her features and she begins to tear up pulling him into a warm embrace. She reprimands him for being foolish but tells him that she’s so glad that he’s there. Has him recount his whole experience while she makes him a hot chocolate.

When it’s time to pick Vic up from school, he’ll stay behind and surprise her when she comes back. Vic would run into his legs and hug him telling him all about her day and her new friends, and how much she missed him. He imagines that the whole time he would be smiling and that by the time the day was done his face would hurt and he would fall asleep with the comfort of knowing those he loves and love him are there surrounding him, blanketing him in their love and appreciation.

But real life hadn’t been like that and he’d been forced to be someone else, someone who Jack would be proud of but no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did Jack always wore this neverending look of disdain, as if he could already see what Robert himself didn’t even know, that he was bisexual. It was perfectly fine if other blokes were like that but not Robert because no matter how okay Jack pretended to be with it he couldn’t have his son going around and snogging blokes. Robert was a Sugden and Sugden men liked women and women only if so and so liked both or blokes that was perfectly alright but that sort of behavior was unbecoming of a Sugden and Jack made sure Robert knew this

“Shh, he’s not here, you don’t have to think about that now. Right now we have to talk about you, and what’s happening. I don’t know how much time we have, but this isn’t what’s supposed to happen. You’re not meant to be here for a long time yet, you still have so much you have to live for, so we need to talk and I need to show you something and in the end, you’ll have a choice. Only you can decide what path you want to take, I’m just here to show you both sides and in the end I hope you make the right choice” she explained, shooting quick glances around the room and at this moment he realized that he had absolutely no idea where he was and how he had gotten here.

Looking around he realized that the white light that had blinded him when he’d first opened his eyes wasn’t coming from just one place, it seemed to be emanating from the walls. It reminded him of a hospital room, sterile; white; clean, but there were no monitors and it was definitely too quite to be a hospital, plus the bed he was in reminded him more of his childhood bed than that of a hospital one. When he looked again the bed seemed to change and replicate his exact childhood bed down to the bedsheets.

Sarah took his face in her hands turning him to face her, “Rob you need to focus, there’s so much we need to get through before time runs out. This place has a way of bringing back every memory good or bad but we need to focus on your future and to do that I need to know one thing. What’s the last thing you remember?” and despite the calm and peace radiating from his surroundings lulling him into a sense of security the look of panic and fear that marred her face was like a bucket of cold water, pulling him out of whatever trance this place was trying to pull him into.

“I don’t know” and it made his heart rate quicken, the fact that he was in a strange room with his dead mum and he had absolutely zero idea how he had gotten here.

“Why can’t I remember?” and suddenly he couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard he tried he simply couldn’t get enough oxygen. He could hear his heart thumping almost as if it was going to jump out of his chest. He folded in on himself trying to stop the feelings of overwhelming fear and panic.

“Rob, you need to calm down, it’s okay. I’m right here” she set her hand on his head threading her fingers through his hair “we’re going to figure out what happened, I just need you to breathe with me.” she sets his hand on her chest and he feels her heart beating along with the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathes and slowly he manages to copy her and stops feeling as if he’s drowning and no matter how hard he tried he’ll never be able to take in enough air.

“I need you to think back, focus on what happened” it had been a pretty normal day from what he recalled, he’d woken up in his apartment gotten dressed and had headed out to work. The whites were an interesting lot, and they paid well enough. Sure he detested working for them because they treated him as some kind of charity case but he just had to stick it out and get some contacts, then he could leave and never have to see any of their poncy little faces again.

“I remember going to work, normal day full of meetings and paperwork but something happened. I can’t remember what but it put me off, made me feel as if I wasn’t enough. I decided to head back home and try to relax and put it all behind me but I don’t remember ever making it. Next thing I knew here I was in this weird place with you” he tried to explain as best he could but recalling what had happened was like pulling teeth, painful. The closer he got to being able to remember the fuzzier they became as if surrounded by mist.

“Okay, we’ll work on that, for now, we’ve got other things to talk about. Right now things are complicated, your life is in flux. Your future is changing, a billion different futures currently overlapping. However; there’s one that strongest, the one you’re meant to live, and it’s fading quick but I can show you. Show you who you’re going to become who you have the chance of being. If you want I can show you others as well.” she grabbed his hands in hers, and looked him dead in the eyes, “You’re future, who you’re going to be, it’s complicated but there’s one path that shines the brightest, that will make you the happiest.”

Happy, he hadn’t been happy for a long time. He wasn’t even sure it was possible anymore. All he had been doing was going through the motions of life; get up, get dressed, go to work, go home, go to sleep and repeat. Sure he went on dates here and there or he had random hook-ups but nothing too serious. It was tiring, pretending to be something he’s not. Sometimes all he wanted was someone who would see him, look at him and be able to see every nook and cranny. See every part of him the good and the bad and just accept them. He always had to pretend to be this perfect bloke with lots of confidence who had his life together. He had to be there for others but who was ever there for him?

“I’m going to show you, what your life could be like, honey, the good and the bad.” She kissed his cheek and suddenly everything around him began to change, instead of the white walls and bed he was standing in some big house. It looked strangely familiar but he couldn’t seem to place it.

Suddenly Chrissie appeared in front of him and began taking, “Luckys refusing to come out of his room again, I’ve tried everything but he won’t budge” she places a quick kiss on his lips before continuing “Would you mind talking to him for me, you’re a man maybe he’ll listen to you”.

Why was Chrissie kissing him, as far as he knew she barely knew who he was. Sure they flirted but it was harmless, he couldn’t afford to get involved with his boss's daughter. Not when he was trying to con her dad into promoting him by leading him on with some harmless touches. As if he’d really want some old man, but he needed him to believe it so that he’d give him everything.

“Robert, are you even listening to me?” She asked irritated and it was then that he realized that she’d still been talking.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a little tired,” he lied. What was going on? He had to find Sarah again and ask her what was happening. Why was Chrissie acting like this? He barely knew her and why did he care if Lachlan wasn’t leaving his room, it’s not like that kid was his problem. Sure he’d met Lachlan a couple of times but those few times had been enough for him to see what a psycho that kid was. He screamed stalker vibes at the best of times and it clearly didn’t help that Chrissie felt so bad about his dad abandoning them that she gave him anything he wanted, it was clear to see that he was a spoiled brat.

She sighed clearly upset “I said I’m going to go shopping maybe pick up some things for the wedding, now that we’re here and you’re family will actually be able to come. I don’t know why you didn’t invite them to the last one but it’s fine. I guess now that we’re back in Emmerdale it’ll make it much easier to get to know them, I don’t think they like me very much yet but I’m sure I’ll win them over,” giving him a quick peck on the lips she grabs her purse and keys and walks out the door, leaving him to his thoughts.

Emmerdale? Why was he in Emmerdale, he swore that he was never coming back to this village ever again. At least it made sense why he recognized this place, sure it had changed and Chrissie had clearly altered the set-up but he knew this was Home Farm. Wait.. had she said wedding? Why was he getting married? He’d never given it much thought, to be honest, getting married and settling down maybe having kids. He knew how much your parents could screw you up, especially fathers but then he supposes he also knows how much your parents could impact you.

Sarah had always made him want to be good, not because she looked down on him when he did something bad, no she wanted him to be better because she knew he could be. Had always told him that he would accomplish amazing things if he just had the control to sit back and think. How would what he did impact others, and was the end result worth it? Could you hurt someone else, shatter them, all for the sake of what you wanted? He liked to think he wouldn’t, but he knew deep inside he was selfish. He always looked out for number one, pushed people away when they got too close and broke them so they wouldn’t break him. Never let real feelings get in the way that’s how you become vulnerable, how you get hurt. Robert was never going to let anyone hurt him again.

“If you never let anyone in because you’re afraid to be hurt then you’ll never be happy. Love is allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable all while trusting that the other person won’t shatter you” Sarah’s voice spoke in his head startling him before continuing “Do you remember when you were young, so open and trusting, what changed? When did you close yourself off, tell yourself that a lonely existence was better than the risk of being hurt?”.

He remembers clearly when he had started to close himself off to others when he realized he was different. He recalls that there had been this young lad at the farm whose name Robert could no longer remember. It had been so long ago he couldn’t remember his name or maybe it was that he had pushed the memory so far down pretending that it wasn’t really that it hadn’t happened. That was beside the point, Jack had been so busy with the farm having so much to do and it didn’t help that Robert refused to help him so he decided to hire some young lad to do some of the heavy lifting.

Robert had noticed lads before, but nothing like this, no this time it was so much worse. He was so deep in thought that he didn’t notice his surroundings changing again but when he looked up he was in his old room and the memories came flooding back. Oliver had been tan from all the hours spent laboring away on the farm, he’d had brown eyes and blond hair. He’d been the most wonderful thing that Robert had ever seen and a huge flirt. It had made Robert uncomfortable in the beginning but over time it had become rather endearing.

They’d been in his room laughing and then the next thing he knew he was leaning in, his lips crashing against Olivers. It was strange, to kiss a lad, the rough scratch of his stubble and his firm muscles beneath his hand so different from soft curves. It was intoxicating, kissing Oliver, his hands exploring his body. He pulled back for a moment, chest heaving, staring up at Oliver’s eyes trying to figure out what this meant. He was sure he liked girls, he had to, but Oliver made him feel something else, something different. He didn’t want to give up this feeling, not yet. Pushing Oliver down on his bed and climbing on top of him he leaned back, staring him in his eyes before kissing him again. He’d been so caught up in exploring this new sensation that he doesn’t hear the front door slamming or his dads’ boots climbing up the stairs, not before it’s too late. His dad pulling him off of Oliver, disgust covering his face, before pushing him aside. Grabs Oliver and shoves him out the door before yelling that he’s fired and he doesn’t ever want to see his face again.

He remembers the way that Jacks’ hand had dug into his arm, the pain nothing compared to what was yet to come. He closes his eyes, screwing them shut. He’d promised himself that he’d forget about this, move on and focus on being the son that Jack truly wanted. He would never be a disappointment ever again, he'd done too much to forget the past and worked too hard to get to where he was there was no way he was going to let a little pain get in the way.


End file.
